Conversation

While driving with Boyfriend to his parents’ house, a familiar song comes on the radio:

Me: Is this Collective Soul?
Him [emphatically]: No. How dare you even say that.
Me: Oh, I know who it is. It’s that famous band, but I can’t remember their name. They have that really popular song.
Him: You can’t remember their name? Which song?
Me: No, but I had their album, and I can picture it. I can picture the lead singer. And his crazy girlfriend/wife/mistress/whatever… that song is really famous.
Him: What’s the lead singer’s name?
Me: Kurt Cobain. He killed himself. 
Him: And the band name is?
Me: I am so bad with band names. I know what it is, it’s just gone out of my head right now.
Him: Nirvana.
Me: Yes! I had Utopia in my head, but I knew that wasn’t right.

Residuals

Last night a dream backtracked me to a few years ago when I was in a situation that was very difficult, and there were things that should have been communicated to me that weren’t. In real life and in the dream, I knew that I did everything I could — everything I knew to do — and held up my piece of it all, but there are moments when I still doubt and wonder, “What else could I have done?”

Even in the dream, I asked the right questions, I set the right boundaries, and I led with grace instead of accusation. I was firm but open. 

And yet the dream has followed me into the morning with this nagging sense of guilt and shame: I should have controlled that better. I should have managed it better. If I had only been better, the outcome of that situation would have been different.

Today I am in the process of deciding that I will no longer carry things that aren’t my burden to carry. I say that I am in the process of deciding, because it hasn’t become a true, ingrained belief yet and may take a good amount of time.

I can only be responsible for my own actions. I can do my best to be a positive influencer, but when it comes right down to it, I’m only responsible for what I say and do. I know this. Many wise people have told me this. I’m giving it the space to sink in.

Accountability

Boyfriend and I made a New Year’s resolution to give up most processed sugar. One month in, my intense cookie cravings have finally lessened. The following text conversation took place this morning:

Him: I had a maple oat scone sample just now at starbucks… :(
Me: BAD BAD BAD.
Me: I bet it was delicious though.
Him: She walked up and practically shoved it in my mouth.
Me: But was it worth THE GUILT?
Him: No not at all.
Him: It was really tasty.
Me: Ha ha. Remember nothing tastes as good as sexy feels.
Him: Hahahahagga
Me: That’s the title of a book for women. And actually I disagree with it. Whoever wrote that had not eaten raw cookie dough.
Him: You should write a counter book
Me: I should
Him: Same title, appended with “except raw cookie dough”

Swinging

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Now, in this slower season, my brain is less full of other things. Bits of my past that I haven’t remembered in years emerge. It’s like brain connections I’ve repressed are now rallying.

When I was a girl, my grandmother drove me out in the country in rural Minnesota, near the towns where I grew up, and my mother grew up, and my grandmother grew up. Grandma wanted to visit a friend on a farm, and she took me with her, because the friend had a granddaughter my age. I only remember outlines of things — the house, its gold shag carpet, the girl’s dark hair and blotches of color of her outfit, the dirt driveway, the lush grass. She had a big plastic dollhouse and kitchen and dishes. I must’ve been six.

And there’s me as a kid, standing near a tire swing, skinny-legged and hair soft and light like a fuzzy dandelion.

That memory struck out of nowhere the other day, when I was thinking of my grandma, who turns 86 next week. I was a shy kid and what I remembered most was going into that place confident that no matter who was there, my grandma was with me, and I could sink into her. She was a cozy adult, a soft friend.

A few years back when I was going through some hard stuff, I encountered a group of supportive people who were going through a study together called Soul Renovation. At a meeting, the leader encouraged us to picture in our heads a child that we love. He led us through the process of considering that child and no matter how much they screw up or say silly things or act out, we understand that they’re children. We love them and direct them and give them boundaries, but nothing they can do will ever stop us from loving them wholly, fully, and unchangingly. At the time my niece was four years old, and I love that kid like she’s my own. I pictured her and got a little misty in that honest moment. For some reason, she was on the beach. I’m not sure why. It was rather idyllic, but I promise there were no wild horses running by, majestically. She was just playing there, in her child-world.

Then the leader encouraged us to remove that child we love so much and put ourselves in that place. And to think about how much more God loves us than we love those children. About how he sees us as we are and knows where we’ve come from. He knows our capacity for understanding and how we do dumb things. And he loves us.

Loves, loves, loves, loves us.

When my memory of the fuzzy-headed kid and the tire swing hit me, I couldn’t help but think of the girl on the beach. Guilt and shame have no place between me and the eyes of the Lord. He sees me as I am.

Valentine’s Day

Image from www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com

Image from Here!

Text conversation with Boyfriend:

Me: How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?
Him: Hmmm.
Him: I dunno. I haven’t really celebrated it much.
Me: I haven’t either.
Him: I think I’ve only been dating someone one time during valentine’s day and it was brand new so I don’t think we did anything.
Him: I love candy, sooooo
Me: Ha ha. No candy this V-day.
Him: I know :(
Me: I was just wondering if I should get you a present.
Him: Oh. Yes!

Patterns.

The week was one of those where I had to rally outside of introversion in order to be available to friends, complete work obligations, and pursue aspects of my life that I have determined to define what it looks like for me to be healthy. It is also healthy to acknowledge that I am an introvert and need down time. That was evidenced this morning when faced with a situation that required me to edit some old patterns.

For me, the difficulty in adapting old patterns is that I recognize the ways that these patterns have been so ingrained in me, through a combination of my unique personality and experiences that have taken place in childhood and adulthood. In spite of that recognition, sometimes I stand in the face of these issues with difficulty discerning what is right and true, compared with what is just experience. Several conflicting voices arise in my head, and I feel like a child, gripping my blankie, wide-eyed, in the middle of loud voices arguing above me. I look to those above me to guide and direct, but it’s just noise. 

This morning I laid out everything I feel and know before the Lord, and then I tried to silence my mind before him. At times when all these conflicting voices have arisen in my over-active mind, I’ve joked that I wish I could snap open my head and stroke my brain like a kitten.

This morning I just pictured God’s hands forming around my brain and holding it outside of myself.  It’s kind of a gross image, but it works for me. 

Rhythm

It’s not a Pinterest lunch, but putting this together this evening made me feel a little more settled inside:

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I’m learning a lot in this season of life about the importance of rhythms.

I’ve always known the importance of planning ahead, but having a bit more time to be prepared for the next day is proving to be an incredibly settling thing for me. It shouldn’t be a luxury, but it feels like one. I guess it’s just proof that I running a million miles an hour to keep up with your life isn’t healthy.

The process of preparing the eggs, and packing my entire little lunch inside its little box was cathartic. It’s nice to be sure of at least one thing for tomorrow.

Also, I made the most perfect hardboiled eggs ever, and I’m kind of proud of that.

I Ate All of It with My Mouth.

I promise this blog will not turn into only a food blog. But with a name like How to Eat an Artichoke and a focus on the heart of life, I’m convinced that food is an important part of it all. Most of our family traditions include special foods that make them so memorable. Different cultures have cuisine that makes them unique.

In the course of changing eating habits, it’s exciting and motivating to whip something up that is easy, delicious, and nutritious. Tonight I made such a meal, and it was glorious as it caressed my tongue and slid down my throat. It is something so simple that it’s silly — experienced cooks will likely scoff at my discovery — but tonight it was the perfect thing.

As a single woman, one of the greatest cooking challenges I experience is that when I buy groceries, I don’t eat them fast enough, and they spoil. It’s discouraging for me, not to mention annoying for my roommates if I forget to or don’t have time to clean out the fridge right away. So, I’ve been trying to find staples for my meals that I can put in the freezer (I still have some tilapia filets from last month just waiting for a delectable recipe to encrust them), or vegetables that will last a while, like sweet potatoes.

Tonight’s meal was a major win in 3 categories: Ease, Taste, and Life Expectancy of Ingredients.

Last night at Trader Joe’s, I found some cajun seasoned salmon filets. At first glance they were expensive — $10.00 for two filets, but then I figured that I could cut them up into smaller pieces and get 4-6 servings, especially if I used small pieces to compliment salads. My former roommate and dear friend Katrina makes a killer caesar salad using these seasoned filets.

Those delicious, blazing spices make my mouth water -- and my nose run.

Those delicious, blazing spices make my mouth water — and my nose run.

I also picked up three sweet potatoes — enough to get me through the week without rotten vegetables at the back of my cupboard. I love chopping up sweet potatoes, drizzling them with a bit of olive oil, sprinkling on some salt and pepper, and broiling them in the oven until the edges are just a bit brown and crispy.

My precious...

My precious…

A few days ago I ran across the Pioneer Woman’s recipe for perfectly cooking salmon, and I realized that the time and degrees for cooking it were similar to what I usually cook my potatoes at. So, I decided to try putting them together in the oven. I also don’t like recipes that require me to dirty a lot of dishes. I have two roommates who frown upon dishes left in the sink for too long (as they should), so sometimes I’m discouraged from cooking because of the time invested in cooking AND in cleaning up.

BUT… I was smart this time. I cut off a 4 oz. piece of the seasoned salmon and wrapped it in a small piece of parchment paper. I’m not sure if this was necessary — I’d just read previously that the juices permeate it better and keep it moist if it’s wrapped up.

I took a cookie sheet and covered it with tin foil, because then I wouldn’t have to wash it afterward. I put the wrapped salmon on the cookie sheet, then grabbed a cutting board and our most magnificent knife and chopped up one sweet potato. I should note here that I had previously scraped off its skin. Is there another term for that process? Scraping off the skin sounds so violent and painful.

In retrospect, I should have made the sweet potato slices smaller to bake correctly. (Cook and learn!) I started off by making them in about 1/2″ squares, but they should have been a little thinner to allow the big pieces to cook all the way through by the time the salmon was done baking.

I put it directly on the cookie sheet, drizzled the sweet potatoes with olive oil, sprinkled on salt and pepper, and then placed them in the oven. The Pioneer Woman says that salmon will turn out perfectly if you start by putting it in a cold oven and setting the temp to 400 after the food is already in there. Then you leave it in for 25 minutes.

And you go in your room and watch Lord of the Rings.

Or you text your boyfriend 57 times.

Or you clean up the dishes you just dirtied. And then text your boyfriend 23 times.

I could hear the food sizzling at me, begging to be eaten, as I approached the oven door, and the salmon did, indeed, turn out perfectly. The smaller pieces of the potatoes were divine, but I had to put the larger ones in for an additional 10 minutes. This whole meal was under 500 calories, which is an awesome dinner for the health-conscious and food-lovers alike. The hue for the whole meal was very orange, but that’s okay.

I ate all of it with my mouth. And it was good.

 

Healthy, Day One

Boyfriend gave me this adorable lunchbox for Christmas. As a little girl, I loved Hello Kitty with a true and authentic love. Lunch-packing has never been so cute.

Boyfriend gave me this adorable lunchbox for Christmas. As a little girl, I loved Hello Kitty with a true and authentic love. Lunch-packing has never been so cute.

 

Boyfriend and I got back late in the evening last night after spending New Year’s with his family at Lake Arrowhead. As I mentioned in the previous post, he and I are both striving to be more healthy this year, and the first day was mostly good and only a little challenging at the end of it.

I didn’t have time to get groceries last night after we got home, which got the resolution off on wobbly feet. I’m learning that the key to healthy eating is planning ahead. When I don’t plan ahead, I succumb to cravings because I haven’t prepared myself with the substitutes I need to be successful.

I skipped breakfast this morning in favor of sleep (bad!) and drank a coffee with Coffeemate creamer at work (also bad!). Coffeemate is pretty much pure vegetable oil, but I’m not sure if it’s something I want to give up during this year. It’s something I call a food-gift. The goal is to cut back on sugar and improve the health of our diets — not to cut out all food-gifts. I love starting my morning with this particular flavor. I’m going to test out if holding onto a few of the small things I love will actually help me be successful in the long run, because I’m not completely depriving myself.

For lunch, I had two grilled chicken strips and a fresh fruit cup. This was quite satisfying, and along with two glasses of water, actually pretty filling.

After work, I stopped by Trader Joe’s, my favorite California grocery store, to pick up some supplies. It actually wasn’t too difficult finding healthy options that looked nutritious, but I have to admit that my eyes lingered on the chocolate chip cookies until we both felt a little awkward. Among the great things I purchased were cajun seasoned salmon fillets, multi-seed rice crackers, Greek olive hummus, almonds, and salad fixin’s.

Dinner was a large chicken caesar salad with grilled chicken and light dressing. It was delicious.

Don’t tell Oprah, but I’m eating after 8 p.m. I needed a small snack and was craving something sweet. I texted Boyfriend, “I want a cookie so bad right now.” He texted back, “Nope!!!! Haha.” It was cruel.

A clementine, a few rice crackers, and a couple of grapes finished off the day.

I’ve never been good at counting calories, but I’m using the My Fitness app to track things, and it’s kind of fun. I’ll write a post later about it — it’s been quite a revolutionary discovery, because it is not just a calorie counter. It helps you look at your overall nutrition and pinpoint which nutrients are consistently lacking in your diet. Today totaled 1250 calories — just 50 over my daily goal. Not bad.

Does anyone have any healthy meal suggestions you’d like to share? What are you doing to get fit this year?